How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.

The title of this blog is a quote by Coco Chanel that I've always enjoyed. I want to be someone, and I'm at the point in my life where I'm starting to figure out who I want that person to be.

I've been in a funk lately. Not the fun, funky funk, but it's ugly step-sister, stuck in a rut kind of funk. I'm not sure how to get out of it. I chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis.

You know that saying, "If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life?" Well, I've been working for about seven months now. And it's work. I've begun to realize that although I have a challenging role, a hefty amount of responsibility, and a decent sized paycheck, it's not something I believe in. I am not passionate about this type of work. Now, the questions I must ask myself are: What do I believe in? What am I passionate about?

To those questions I have no answers...yet. Although I am working towards finding them. It's something I must do, or else I think the build up that I feel growing in my chest will get so big that it will eventually clog my throat. I think that's what they call feelings of anxiety.

I don't want anyone to think I am complaining about the situation I'm currently in - because I am not. Like I mentioned, I do have a job...and for that reason alone I can consider myself lucky. The people I work with are great, and the company is giving me an amazing opportunity with different rotations within my field. I'm really not complaining.

I could go on...but I don't want to. It just makes me feel more stuck.

The funny thing about a blog that I can't decide if I like or not is the ability to erase my thoughts so easily. In my journal, I may cross things out, or start writing a sentence that makes me pause for a moment to think of how I should finish. But just now, about 5 minutes ago, I started writing something, then realized I didn't like where it was going, and just highlighted the text and deleted it. If I had my Staples "Easy" button, I could hit it right now and it would say "that was easy!" because it is. No one reading this would know that I had originally planned on trying to change the tone of this blog into something more positive by thinking of things that I did like about myself and my life. But I realized that was a somewhat rough transition, and honestly, I was drawing somewhat of a blank (probably due to my current mood), so I deleted. Then I was going to write a little bit about the person I am now, and the person I want to become. That didn't work out either. It amazes me how I have no problem constantly uplifting others, while being the first one to put my own self down. I'm a work in progress...what can I say?

These thoughts I'm having are ones that I try not to drown in - I keep them at the shallow end of the pool in my mind. Normally, I am repulsed by such negative energy...so I try not to think like this too often anymore, at an attempt not to find my own self repulsive.

I didn't re-read anything I just wrote, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if any of it even makes a whole lot of sense. Next blog will be much happier. I guess that is one good quality about me - I'm an optimist! :)