The title of this blog is a quote by Coco Chanel that I've always enjoyed. I want to be someone, and I'm at the point in my life where I'm starting to figure out who I want that person to be.
I've been in a funk lately. Not the fun, funky funk, but it's ugly step-sister, stuck in a rut kind of funk. I'm not sure how to get out of it. I chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis.
You know that saying, "If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life?" Well, I've been working for about seven months now. And it's work. I've begun to realize that although I have a challenging role, a hefty amount of responsibility, and a decent sized paycheck, it's not something I believe in. I am not passionate about this type of work. Now, the questions I must ask myself are: What do I believe in? What am I passionate about?
To those questions I have no answers...yet. Although I am working towards finding them. It's something I must do, or else I think the build up that I feel growing in my chest will get so big that it will eventually clog my throat. I think that's what they call feelings of anxiety.
I don't want anyone to think I am complaining about the situation I'm currently in - because I am not. Like I mentioned, I do have a job...and for that reason alone I can consider myself lucky. The people I work with are great, and the company is giving me an amazing opportunity with different rotations within my field. I'm really not complaining.
I could go on...but I don't want to. It just makes me feel more stuck.
The funny thing about a blog that I can't decide if I like or not is the ability to erase my thoughts so easily. In my journal, I may cross things out, or start writing a sentence that makes me pause for a moment to think of how I should finish. But just now, about 5 minutes ago, I started writing something, then realized I didn't like where it was going, and just highlighted the text and deleted it. If I had my Staples "Easy" button, I could hit it right now and it would say "that was easy!" because it is. No one reading this would know that I had originally planned on trying to change the tone of this blog into something more positive by thinking of things that I did like about myself and my life. But I realized that was a somewhat rough transition, and honestly, I was drawing somewhat of a blank (probably due to my current mood), so I deleted. Then I was going to write a little bit about the person I am now, and the person I want to become. That didn't work out either. It amazes me how I have no problem constantly uplifting others, while being the first one to put my own self down. I'm a work in progress...what can I say?
These thoughts I'm having are ones that I try not to drown in - I keep them at the shallow end of the pool in my mind. Normally, I am repulsed by such negative energy...so I try not to think like this too often anymore, at an attempt not to find my own self repulsive.
I didn't re-read anything I just wrote, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if any of it even makes a whole lot of sense. Next blog will be much happier. I guess that is one good quality about me - I'm an optimist! :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Miss (ir)responsible
I'm dogsitting for five whole days. I've often joked with others that I can hardly take care of myself, let alone another living thing, but here I am. At the ripe age of 24 years young, I am still trying to form the good habits of keeping my room tidy, paying my bills on time, and remembering to take my clothes out of the dryer. I often wonder if good habits are just as easy to form as bad habits. They just must require attention to form. Maybe I'll test this theory out by starting to make my bed every morning, or cleaning my bathroom weekly. Baby steps. But I digress, for the next few days, I will focus on the pooch.
Having a dog in the apartment brings up all kinds of thoughts to my mind. How often do I need to take him out to pee? (Should I have taken him out right before bed? Maybe I'll bring him out when I'm done writing...) Is it bad that I don't like touching his wet, chew toys with my hands? (Instead I usually kick the ball for him to go fetch) What is he always sniffing on the ground? And most importantly, is it as awkward as I think it is for him to walk in on me when I'm naked in my room, or going to bathroom?
I took Sammy on a run today - I thought it would be good for both of us to get out and stretch our legs. After all, I had been sitting at a desk all day, and he had been sitting in his cage. We frolicked in a field by my usual running trail. I was listening to my ipod, and he was moving back and forth in every which way sniffing leaves and grass, so I decided that was his way of dancing with me to my music. I bounced around him, zigging when he zagged, zagging when he zigged. It was great fun. And then I found a dog park right next to that field. I must pause here and say that I've run on that same trail many times, while never realizing this existed. How can I be so oblivious to my surroundings? I must make an effort to be more aware when I run - if I focus too much on the task at hand, it makes the exercise oh so much harder. Focusing on the beauty around me helps relax my mind while working my body. He made some friends, and we ended up running / walking back - the way it ended, I was actually pulling him along. He was one exhausted, parched, hot dog.
I bought a lucky bamboo about a month ago to make our apartment more alive. I placed it on the counter, and did a poor job watering it. Now, I did not intend to see this live bamboo shoot turn to a light shade of brown, which eventually started to grow into darker shades. I genuinely forgot about it. How can I be so wrapped up in my own life that I forgot to pour a few ounces of water into a glass to keep the plant thriving? Am I really that irresponsible? Now, in a last chance effort to play God, I placed the bamboo on the fireplace mantle by the window so it can get some natural sunlight, and I check its water level daily. I'm hoping for a miracle now. I'm trying not to compare the bamboo to the dog. I have remembered to feed him at every feeding time, and right now I will be taking him out for a potty break before we hit the hay. I am thankful that my friend trusted me to live up to this responsibility. I will not fail!
Sweet dreams!
Having a dog in the apartment brings up all kinds of thoughts to my mind. How often do I need to take him out to pee? (Should I have taken him out right before bed? Maybe I'll bring him out when I'm done writing...) Is it bad that I don't like touching his wet, chew toys with my hands? (Instead I usually kick the ball for him to go fetch) What is he always sniffing on the ground? And most importantly, is it as awkward as I think it is for him to walk in on me when I'm naked in my room, or going to bathroom?
I took Sammy on a run today - I thought it would be good for both of us to get out and stretch our legs. After all, I had been sitting at a desk all day, and he had been sitting in his cage. We frolicked in a field by my usual running trail. I was listening to my ipod, and he was moving back and forth in every which way sniffing leaves and grass, so I decided that was his way of dancing with me to my music. I bounced around him, zigging when he zagged, zagging when he zigged. It was great fun. And then I found a dog park right next to that field. I must pause here and say that I've run on that same trail many times, while never realizing this existed. How can I be so oblivious to my surroundings? I must make an effort to be more aware when I run - if I focus too much on the task at hand, it makes the exercise oh so much harder. Focusing on the beauty around me helps relax my mind while working my body. He made some friends, and we ended up running / walking back - the way it ended, I was actually pulling him along. He was one exhausted, parched, hot dog.
I bought a lucky bamboo about a month ago to make our apartment more alive. I placed it on the counter, and did a poor job watering it. Now, I did not intend to see this live bamboo shoot turn to a light shade of brown, which eventually started to grow into darker shades. I genuinely forgot about it. How can I be so wrapped up in my own life that I forgot to pour a few ounces of water into a glass to keep the plant thriving? Am I really that irresponsible? Now, in a last chance effort to play God, I placed the bamboo on the fireplace mantle by the window so it can get some natural sunlight, and I check its water level daily. I'm hoping for a miracle now. I'm trying not to compare the bamboo to the dog. I have remembered to feed him at every feeding time, and right now I will be taking him out for a potty break before we hit the hay. I am thankful that my friend trusted me to live up to this responsibility. I will not fail!
Sweet dreams!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
total eclipse of the heart
A day later, I still feel a little jipped that this part of the world did not get to experience the awe-inspiring sight of a solar eclipse this time around. I actually have a friend volunteering in India these days, so she got to see it - so at least someone in my life got to see it. The total solar eclipse 2009 was the longest this century, lasting over 6 minutes. And there won't be another that lasts that long until 2132...looks like I missed my chance to see it.
I remember in third grade there was one, and we made light refractors out of paper towel rolls and little mirrors so we could view it. Rumor had it that if you looked directly at it you would go blind. I can't lie, I snuck a peak. Look at me now! It probably did the opposite and made my eyes better...no contacts needed.
It would have been quite a sight, that's right...if I could have seen it yesterday.
Speaking of the Sun, it apparently hasn't had much activity going on - it must be in some kind of funk, first of all with letting the moon overshadow it for 6 whole minutes, and now not bursting out as much. Or maybe it's just calming down - letting the moon have the spotlight for a while. I wonder if they're friends or enemies. I think they are definitely friends. They cooperate well with each other, the sun allowing the moon to start appearing and to guide us through the night until the dawn, when the moon tips his hat to the sun who begins to show us the light of day again.
Oh, what a heavenly relationship.
I should also take time to thank Jupiter, because without it, that earth-sized comet that was sucked in by it's strong gravitational pull might have destroyed us. So, we've got some really sincere thank you cards to write to the big red guy.
I'm really full of love today. I feel like it's directed at nothing and everything at the same time.
I remember in third grade there was one, and we made light refractors out of paper towel rolls and little mirrors so we could view it. Rumor had it that if you looked directly at it you would go blind. I can't lie, I snuck a peak. Look at me now! It probably did the opposite and made my eyes better...no contacts needed.
It would have been quite a sight, that's right...if I could have seen it yesterday.
Speaking of the Sun, it apparently hasn't had much activity going on - it must be in some kind of funk, first of all with letting the moon overshadow it for 6 whole minutes, and now not bursting out as much. Or maybe it's just calming down - letting the moon have the spotlight for a while. I wonder if they're friends or enemies. I think they are definitely friends. They cooperate well with each other, the sun allowing the moon to start appearing and to guide us through the night until the dawn, when the moon tips his hat to the sun who begins to show us the light of day again.
Oh, what a heavenly relationship.
I should also take time to thank Jupiter, because without it, that earth-sized comet that was sucked in by it's strong gravitational pull might have destroyed us. So, we've got some really sincere thank you cards to write to the big red guy.
I'm really full of love today. I feel like it's directed at nothing and everything at the same time.
Monday, July 20, 2009
i'm bananas for bananas!
I really am. I average about one a day, but today I ate two...I'm also bananas for blueberries, cherries, and strawberries. And avocados, but I've never really been sure if that's a fruit or a vegetable...but I eat about one of those a day as well. I actually feel kind of bad for the grapes and clementines that are sitting in the bottom drawer of my refrigerator, because they don't get eaten as fast as my favorite fruits. After just getting home from a salsa class (the dance, but don't even get me started on the food, because I love that just as much as I love my favorite fruit), I went right past the grapes and into my new bag of cherries. I dumped enough to fill up a whole bowl. And that's what I'm doing right now.
When it was 7-8-09, I decided to complete the phrase and make a list of 10 things for which I am grateful. They are, in random order:
1. Sunshine and summertime
2. My family and friends - the people all over the country whom I am ME when I am with them, and they accept and love me
3. Hot vinyasa yoga
4. Jason Mraz
5. flip flops and dresses - sometimes together, sometimes not
6. The opportunities that I've been given to travel and experience life in this world
7. My dreams/imagination/attempts at creativity
8. Health in body, mind and soul
9. Fruit
10. Love <3
Of course there are more than 10 things that I'm grateful for. Those just happened to be the ten on my mind that night. I try to show my appreciation for people and things all around me. - to the point where I get a feeling of guilt if I don't thank someone for holding a door open for me. I don't understand why I would even hesitate to show my gratitude for someone acknowledging my presence and accommodating me. It's a great gesture.
Remember how I said I'm thankful for the the travel opportunities I have been given? Well, another one has been bestowed upon me recently, and I get to travel to Costa Rica. This is for nothing in particular, except to escape life for a while, and leave my footprint in the sands of the exotic country. I am a Central American Virgin, and am extremely happy that Costa Rica will be the one to pop my cherry. I have always wanted to go - so why not go? I tend to use any excuse to travel to do so, to the point where my parents say it can get irresponsible. But I'm just trying to do all the things I want to do with my life...and why wait?! I really do love being a tourist - the way you look at things in a community where people live and experience on a daily basis can be so moving. Since I recently moved to the DC area, I still feel like a tourist, and I hope I never lose that feeling. I have spoken with people who have lived here their entire lives, and just walk by the nation's capitol as if it's another building. The White House is not everywhere, my friend! I strive to look at the world around me in awe, as when tourists do when they're experiencing it for the first time.
But anyways, I really do love fruit.
In joy and cherries.
When it was 7-8-09, I decided to complete the phrase and make a list of 10 things for which I am grateful. They are, in random order:
1. Sunshine and summertime
2. My family and friends - the people all over the country whom I am ME when I am with them, and they accept and love me
3. Hot vinyasa yoga
4. Jason Mraz
5. flip flops and dresses - sometimes together, sometimes not
6. The opportunities that I've been given to travel and experience life in this world
7. My dreams/imagination/attempts at creativity
8. Health in body, mind and soul
9. Fruit
10. Love <3
Of course there are more than 10 things that I'm grateful for. Those just happened to be the ten on my mind that night. I try to show my appreciation for people and things all around me. - to the point where I get a feeling of guilt if I don't thank someone for holding a door open for me. I don't understand why I would even hesitate to show my gratitude for someone acknowledging my presence and accommodating me. It's a great gesture.
Remember how I said I'm thankful for the the travel opportunities I have been given? Well, another one has been bestowed upon me recently, and I get to travel to Costa Rica. This is for nothing in particular, except to escape life for a while, and leave my footprint in the sands of the exotic country. I am a Central American Virgin, and am extremely happy that Costa Rica will be the one to pop my cherry. I have always wanted to go - so why not go? I tend to use any excuse to travel to do so, to the point where my parents say it can get irresponsible. But I'm just trying to do all the things I want to do with my life...and why wait?! I really do love being a tourist - the way you look at things in a community where people live and experience on a daily basis can be so moving. Since I recently moved to the DC area, I still feel like a tourist, and I hope I never lose that feeling. I have spoken with people who have lived here their entire lives, and just walk by the nation's capitol as if it's another building. The White House is not everywhere, my friend! I strive to look at the world around me in awe, as when tourists do when they're experiencing it for the first time.
But anyways, I really do love fruit.
In joy and cherries.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
feelin' so fresh
The title is deceiving if taken literally, because I haven't showered yet today, but it's not my intention to deceive. I mean it as in a new beginning. I'm feeling fresh!
My dad just left after spending a marvelous weekend with his favorite daughter. I always cry when I have to say goodbye my parents, and this morning it didn't help when he choked up a little as well. It's pretty cool to watch the transition in relationship between us - from father/daughter to friends. We're comfortable being much more open and honest with each other, and that's the kind of relationship I want to have with my parents. I hope that one day I can show my children the same respect.
The reason I'm feeling fresh though, is because he bought me a guitar to start appreciating. It's a Johnson one. I don't even know how to play it yet, and I already appreciate the heck out of it! I start lessons on Tuesday, so stay tuned on the progress (get it?!). Pops has been playing since '78, when he started college. My brother has been playing for several years, and now my little sister has started lessons as well. Don't worry, I'll remember the little people when we're all rock stars touring the country as a family band.
Another reason is because I've decided to start a blog - hello! I write in a journal when the mood strikes, but I've always felt a little awkward doing so, because I tend to write as if someone else is going to read it. I haven't gone back and read any of my entries, and to my knowledge no one else has either (unless I have people snooping around my socks and underwear drawer). So I've decided to try this on for size, even though I don't intend for it to be read - it's out here for the world, just in case someone stumbles upon my humble writings. And I'm thoroughly excited that I can post pictures on here as well. I intend to put pictures up in every entry, however unrelated to the subject matter they may be. Today's, however, are very appropriate, as I feel they capture the essence of this memorable weekend.
I'm also making lifestyle changes. There will be other posts surrounding the goings on of my new found vegetarian/simplified/green/aware/patient/glass half full kind of life.
So this has been my first post as a blogger. I could obviously never do twitter, because this is way over 140 characters. It's too restricting for me. I have trouble making my text messages less than that, let alone an entire purging of my thoughts - which is exactly what I expect to do with this. In joy.
My dad just left after spending a marvelous weekend with his favorite daughter. I always cry when I have to say goodbye my parents, and this morning it didn't help when he choked up a little as well. It's pretty cool to watch the transition in relationship between us - from father/daughter to friends. We're comfortable being much more open and honest with each other, and that's the kind of relationship I want to have with my parents. I hope that one day I can show my children the same respect.
The reason I'm feeling fresh though, is because he bought me a guitar to start appreciating. It's a Johnson one. I don't even know how to play it yet, and I already appreciate the heck out of it! I start lessons on Tuesday, so stay tuned on the progress (get it?!). Pops has been playing since '78, when he started college. My brother has been playing for several years, and now my little sister has started lessons as well. Don't worry, I'll remember the little people when we're all rock stars touring the country as a family band.
Another reason is because I've decided to start a blog - hello! I write in a journal when the mood strikes, but I've always felt a little awkward doing so, because I tend to write as if someone else is going to read it. I haven't gone back and read any of my entries, and to my knowledge no one else has either (unless I have people snooping around my socks and underwear drawer). So I've decided to try this on for size, even though I don't intend for it to be read - it's out here for the world, just in case someone stumbles upon my humble writings. And I'm thoroughly excited that I can post pictures on here as well. I intend to put pictures up in every entry, however unrelated to the subject matter they may be. Today's, however, are very appropriate, as I feel they capture the essence of this memorable weekend.
I'm also making lifestyle changes. There will be other posts surrounding the goings on of my new found vegetarian/simplified/green/aware/patient/glass half full kind of life.
So this has been my first post as a blogger. I could obviously never do twitter, because this is way over 140 characters. It's too restricting for me. I have trouble making my text messages less than that, let alone an entire purging of my thoughts - which is exactly what I expect to do with this. In joy.
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