Monday, December 28, 2009

holidaze.

I have ambivalent feelings towards coming home. I love spending time with my family and friends, but since they've spread out through the entire state, it has become increasingly difficult to spend the amount of time that I would like with them in the time that I'm given here.

Throughout my ten nights in Illinois, I closed my eyes in five different beds. I come back to what I now feel is "my bed," and lying down at night, I reflect on my time with my loved ones. I told myself that when I was back, I was going to make certain that my time was going to be about quality. "Be Here Now," as Ray LaMontagne sings. I have tried to make that my mantra. However, I realize that all of my activities may have seemed as though they were right, but felt slightly off kilter in my internal feelings.

When I flew in, my dad and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day curled up by the fireplace, watching movies and catching up. It was the exact kind of relaxation I craved. We sipped on our Canadian Club and Coke Zeroes, and tried to ignore the fact that it was just us two of us this year, which had never happened in years past. It was the first year in which the kids weren't able to work out a trip between Macomb and Bloomington on Christmas day to split time between the parents.

My brother and sister joined us the next day, along with my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and two cousins. My dad's girlfriend and her children were there as well. It was the first time we had all shared the same space.

I left for Chicago that day and spent some time with some old college friends. I love how comfortable it is hanging out with them, and it is always nice to catch up. Playing Wii and seeing Wrigleyville was very reminiscent. However, two bottles of wine and some rum and diets later, I spent too much of that time hugging the toilet in my friend's bathroom. This was not quality. It was about too much quantity.


Sunday was severely shortened due to the previous night's events, and I spent most of the day in my friend's bed. I was able to shower and head out to meet up with some friends from grad school, whom I hadn't seen in over a year. I've kept in touch with some of them...but most of the time when we talk, it ends up being about work - a subject that I don't usually have a strong desire to discuss when not sitting in my cubicle. But it's always good to go new places with familiar faces. We all were in Chicago from Orange County, Baton Rouge, Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, and DC. How many other groups of people at that pizza joint do you think could say that?

I then was able to spend some time at "home." Or, my hometown I should say. My mom has since sold the house I grew up in, and moved into a small house in a different part of town until she can make her way up to Chicago's suburbs to be closer to her family. It was a little odd, but I spend as much time as possible doing as little as possible. I saw some friends, had a few drinks, made food, shopped with my sister, worked a bit, hung out in the local coffee shop...fairly typical break stuff, I think. I made my sister drive by our old house. It might have been because of the lack of leaves on the trees and bushes during the winter months, but it looked so desolate. The family living there now doesn't know how much that roof over our heads meant. It's small, yes. but I loved it. We used every room in that house. It was really lived in for almost 24 years. I hope they live in it too.

I try not to generate huge expectations for New Years Eve. This year was no different. I was able to spend it with some people I love, and also some new faces for the turning of the new year - the new decade. Taboo was a big part of that night. So was whisky - which I have decided to make my new drink of choice. The face of my old boyfriend reappeared, and I was pleasantly surprised to spend two nights with him.

Some other holiday pictures that I took...to explain my whereabouts in other times. Family parties, movies, ice skating, food. The usual.

Two new additions to our family who I got to meet last week:


Roommate's Bachelorette Party:

Mom's new house in Carol Stream:

Nine at Hollywood Palms Theater:

Gift exchange/drinks with the soulmates and Jorge:

Ice skating:


Who knows what 2010 will bring. But if it's true that your first day determines how your year will turn out - it will be filled with love, excitement, family, friends, and some unexpected twists! I can look forward to that.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Yo! Ga

I needed it today. It helped me unclench my jaw that I've been holding so tightly together, and feel the relaxation throughout my cheeks and my temples. Also, the instructor reminded me to melt my shoulders down my back, which allowed me to pull them away from my ears, where they've been living the past few weeks. I've been wound pretty tightly, which has not been conducive to the laid back lifestyle I much rather have going on.

Normally when I do yoga, I feel like my world is about 70" by 20" big. Today, when I was lying in shavasana, I imagined that the air from my breath was pushing out into the universe, and it was growing and expanding with my tummy.

On my way home, I turned off my music that I had blasting, and enjoyed the sound of driving. I listened to the hums, purrs, and hisses of the other cars, along with the different sounds my car was making. I didn't even miss the music.

Have a namaste.

Friday, December 18, 2009

inspired by...

Julie and Julia...what else? Yes, I rented the movie from On Demand, and couldn't resist the urge to write a blog afterwards. Considering the whole premise is based on a woman's blog about Julia Childs....the character of Julie often refers to the "you" to whom she's writing in her blog..."whoever you is." she writes. Which is often how I feel. This is like writing into a a blog hole, without knowing if anyone is reading it. But at times, can be cathartic. Put it out there. I know I'm not writing about anything spectacular. But I'm writing about my life, which to me is the only thing I know, ya know?

Sitting at home alone on a Friday night is often described as being lame. I see that. But most of my friends are gone - either having already gone home for the holidays, or have permanently moved away from me :(. And my roommate is babysitting her nephew. And actually, I don't feel like defending myself, because I really do enjoy it.

The past two weeks have been pretty busy for me. I have gone out to lunch four times, which is more than I usually do in an entire month, I started trying to play guitar again, I made stuffed shells, I went to a birthday party and a going away party, I went back to my old yoga studio, saw a concert with friends, and worked about 90 hours and went out on two dates. For me that's a lot.

Now about this whole dating thing...I don't think I'm good at it. Since I've been here, I have gone on several - maybe 7? - first dates with different guys. How many second dates? None. Not only am I not good at it, but I don't think I like it very much. Don't get me wrong - the feeling of brewing interest,the butterflies, constant thoughts, and tingling cheek feeling is great. But that tends to only happen when the feeling is mutual, right? It hasn't happened yet. In every case, it's been either me or him who has been the interested party. Wah waaaah.

I'm excited to go back to Illinois for the holidays. I have been careful not to say "home for the holidays" this year, though. Since my mom sold the only house I've ever known, I don't really feel an attachment to any certain "home" anymore. I keep in my mind something that I think Buddha said: "Attachment to anything material will only lead to disappointment." Although I'm not entirely sure that's the correct wording, nor am I sure I completely agree, it helps keep my mind a bit at ease. A house is a house is a house. Who said "home is where the heart is?" Tumbleweeds, I think.

Either way, a week filled of family and friends and abounding holiday cheer will lift my spirits and bring me back to the me I know and love.

It's snowing here - we're supposed to get about a foot! My dad told me I should keep my plans of going to the Eastern Market tomorrow. I think walking around in the newly fallen snow could be one of the most beautiful sights I've seen in a long time. I might just be crazy enough to try it. Until then, good night and sweet dreams.

Love love love,
Crystal

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I think I can...

"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can not, I give myself reasons why I can." ~Unknown

This weekend when I was in Columbus Ohio with my dad, I said for the first time outloud that I was going to run the marathon. He sat back and called out the fact that I had never before confirmed that I was going to. I had said, "I would like to," and "I might," but never, "I am going to run the marathon in San Diego this summer."

I will do it...it's time for me to take that leap of faith!


As it turns out, it wasn't that I neede encouragement from others, but just from myself. Today, I believe in me.

I believe in you, too.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

all is full of love.

It's funny how I'm sitting in bed and thinking about what a great day I had. I appreciate how my mind can downplay the sucky things, because they happened in between the wonderful things.

Tuesdays are still my favorite days during the work week, but for different reasons than a few months ago. These are the morning when I force myself out of bed at about 5 a.m. (which is supremely early for me), and go to the gym. I've begun training to train for the marathon as I've mentioned, so I run for a bit. Then I get to go to yoga for an hour. It's wonderful. They dim the lights of the room, and my life is right there for me on the mat. I have no idea how early/late it is. I'm genuinely peaceful. I loooooooooooove it.

Work was stressful today, so we're not going to talk about it. But I did eat one and a half of our vegan cookies from Pattycake Vegan Bakery, which put my sugar infused brain at ease for a while.

I decided when work was over I was going to treat myself to some shrimp and a glass of wine, so I ventured to Whole Foods and picked up a Temperanillo, and a 2lb. bag of shrimp. That was all they had...I'll be eating shrimp on everything from sandwiches to cereal for the next few weeks. AND it was buy-one, get-one free kind of deal, but I opted out of that, as it would have been a big waste of food - better to save it for someone who will get some good use out of it. Feed their family and such.

Anyway, Tuesdays are also the days when my roommate has night class. While I enjoy her company, alone time is also very great when I usually only get it once a week. I played guitar tonight. I will officially go out on a limg and say that I'm comfortable playing "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, and "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer...mostly with the actual song playing on my iTunes as well. I'm making progress! And no matter how much the tips of my left fingers hurt, I am thoroughly enjoying learning this new instrument.

The beginning and the end to the first day of the month is what made it great. It's almost like this evening was today's way of redeeming itself. Oh, and when I accidentally woke up at 3:45 a.m., I said Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit. I'm proud that I remembered.

I also just remembered how much I enjoy Bjork. Actually, that's a lie. I don't even own any of her music. But every time I hear one of her songs, it makes me remember that I like it. I don't even remember how I came across her youtube video today...but it just helped make this evening / today more joyous.

Tomorrow will be great too. Grrrrreat!