The motivation to train for training

I've decided to begin training for the marathon in June, 2010. Well, I have begun training to prepare for the inevitable training that will launch in approximately January. I still haven't signed up. I'm extremely nervous to commit to such an event. Will I be able to run such a distance? I don't know. So many people have done it before...why wouldn't I be able to? (That's what I tell myself about being in labor too...why am I thinking about having a baby when I'm not even dating anyone? I'm not quite sure. I generally chalk it up to the estrogen.)

I'm afraid that this ephemeral state of motivation will quickly dissipate, and I will discontinue my regimen, all the while making stupid excuses as to why I can't/don't have time to run. In yoga, I always tell myself how much more strong and capable my body is than I think it is. I now wonder if I believe myself because I'm pushing my limits for only about an hour and a half of my life at a time. Training for the marathon would require that I tell myself this daily for 18 entire weeks. Does that sound like a lot? There are 52 weeks in a year, which mean that's about 9/26 of the calendar year...and that's about the best math I can do.

My dad told me to just say "YES" to the marathon. I'm saying that now. I'm just already disappointed in my(future)self for quitting. Without truly beginning. That is whack. Words of encouragement encouraged.

Quality vs. Quantity

Last night, I had the opportunity to go out with some friends. I had stayed in and watched a movie on Friday, and spent the majority of my Saturday secluded in my room cleaning/organizing/dusting/making my space a little more livable. I was excited at the prospect of interacting with people, since I had spent so much time in solitude. When the time came to start getting ready - the deciding of what outfit to wear, how i will do my hair, what make up to put on - there was no motivation to start doing this. Normally, I find this kind of lack of motivation in situations pertaining to work, or other activities that I don't necessarily want to participate in...sometimes running or exercise. I didn't expect this feeling when it came time to prepare myself for hanging out with my friends.

I plopped myself on my roommate's bed and explained to her the situation. Saying it out loud helped me work through it in my head. What I ended up telling her is that I'm tired of going out with the purpose of drinking with people whose purpose is getting drunk. These people who I've been going out to bars or clubs with almost every weekend for several months now, are not my friends. I hardly know them. They have no idea who I am. That seemed to be what my lack of motivation was stemming from. The difference between going out into the public with friends is still quality time spent together. When I am with acquaintances, the quality is lacking; therefore the experience isn't as great.

Now, is it my fault that these people have not grown into good friends? Possibly. I've been invited to more than I've attended. But when all of the events are centered on the same drinking factor, how is that conducive to allowing the friendship to develop? It's like keeping a plant in a pot under a light: it's not going to grow as big as it would if it was planted in the Earth. And the strong foundation upon which it can grow is just not there.

I didn't go out. Again, I couldn't put forth the effort to do something in which I semi-disinterested, to wake up feeling headachy, groggy, and slightly nauseated. Instead, I donned sweatpants, grabbed a glass (or three) of wine, and watched A Lot Like Love. I feel pretty about my decision good this morning.

That being said, I miss good friends. It's those people I can truly do anything with and still feel as though our time together is genuine. I know I've been harping on this sentiment for a few weeks now, but the feeling is becoming more palpable. It's getting harder and harder for me to enjoy this amazing place alone.

My note from the Universe the other day:

Thinking brand new thoughts that you've never thought before, Crystal, is
wildly more conducive to creating big life changes than just thinking different
varieties of the same old thoughts.

Think about it -
The Universe

Like, where will you be at this time next year, Crystal? Who will you be
playing elephant polo with?

Brand NEW thoughts. Where did those go? How did I get these thoughts stuck in my own head so much that they won't leave? Brand new thoughts. Where will I be this time next year? ... I'm not sure, but my free time is becoming increasingly uneventful. And something needs to change. Is it me who needs to change my way of thinking? Can a different perspective make the same situation much more tolerable...enjoyable even? I think so. I'm the only one who can push myself to think brand new thoughts.

Thanks for listening to/reading my rant. That was a bit of a long one.

11:11 on 11/11

Special moment spent with special people. We just danced. And thanks to the highest sykpiest technology, we were able to dance WITH each other, via webcam.

little victories

• Using my spanish speaking ability to help the hispanic woman at the grocery store learn that honey roasted peanuts were dulce
• Going for a run, and actually feeling good, rather than hating every step I take
• Realizing that I haven't drank out of a disposable plastic water bottle for months

• Feeling comfortable enough with myself/the other person to not hold back during your dance party in the living room
• Getting excited at work the day of our weekly "make a new dinner recipe night"
  
• Not feeling guilty about going to a movie by myself, and ordering popcorn, pop, AND chocolate candy
• Coming to terms with the fact that I probably like the idea of dating the guy more so than the actual guy

• Spending a Saturday night in bed, and being perfectly content with my decision to do so
  
• Enjoying the long drive - even when I'm stuck in traffic for over an hour, because it's a clear night and I can roll back the sunroof and look up at the stars
  
• Attending the aerobics class at the gym, where every other woman who is at least twice my age is very supportive and encouraging
  

Nothing extraordinary has happened in the last week. But these are the little instances where I have noticed that I'm unintentionally smiling to myself, and sometimes at other people. An "It's the simple things in life" type of approach.